Today I did something truly exciting! As I prepared to fold the laundry, I decided with the giddiness of a child in a playground full of puppies to put on an album I know I can sing, and I sang my spirit out to that album as I organized piles of folded shirts and socks and shorts and undies there on my bed to be put away. This half hour of singing today brought me to this place of wanting to share, needing to write down what this experience really is for me.
Something happens when I am willing enough, courageous enough even for a split second to let go, to sigh with my whole body and being and release everything holding onto me and everything to which I cling. My mouth opens, and a sound comes out, sometimes shooting out strong and powerful and sometimes floating softly but always effortless, a sound I recognize and to which I feel the deepest connection but also one by which I am always surprised and moved as if it comes from somewhere else; and then it feels as if a fiery ball of light explodes in the center of my being in the deep space between the bottom of my ribcage and the top of my solar plexus, and then the fiery ball becomes a bolt of lightning and shoots upward and out through the top of my head all the way up to the heavens and at the same time down through my feet all the way to the core of the earth and in this moment I am a part of everything on earth and everything beyond the earth. I am the same stuff as the dirt and the stars and the air, same as the people outside my window and as the walls around me. My body dissolves into this matter. All things in the universe dissolve into matter. I and everything become swirled together as matter until nothing is distinguished from another, and yet I am more whole and more myself than ever. Singing is the only thing that grounds me this way.
I am not a religious person, nor do I consider myself a believer of any one thing in particular, but for the feeling of being whole, connected, complete and filled up in body and soul with light and love and free from fear; for the phenomenon of an experience that cannot be adequately explained or in any way quantified or given but only felt and known, I know only one word; this must be God.